Pregnancy
I fantasized about being pregnant pretty much from the moment I met my husband. I was in love with the idea of a growing baby inside of my growing belly. When I found out that I was pregnant I was over the moon. I instantly started researching everything I could about pregnancy and childbirth. I was prepared! I was going to rock this thing.
I hired a doula. I had a birth plan. I was going to have a calm, family centered, natural childbirth.
That didn't happen.
12 weeks - I found out I had a low lying placenta and was placed on pelvic rest. I would have to take it easy and watch for any spotting or pelvic pain.
18 weeks - Placenta hadn't moved. I had to wait to find out if it was going to move, otherwise I would have to have a scheduled c-section
24 weeks - Placenta had moved, but not enough to be deemed "safe", I would have to wait to see if it would move further away from my cervix so I could proceed with a natural delivery.
30 weeks - Placenta moved! It was way up out of the way! I was so excited... for about 2 minutes. During that 30 week ultrasound I also learned that I had low amniotic fluid. Scary low. I was placed on hospital supervised bed rest and remained there until I delivered.
30 - 37 weeks - Hospital supervised bed rest. In bed all day long, with the exception of shower and bathroom privileges and a short daily walk. I had weekly ultrasounds to check my fluid level. By the time I delivered, I had had 15 ultrasounds.
Delivery
37 weeks - Delivered via scheduled c-section. Horrible experience. I had a bad reaction to the spinal and got a spinal headache, it was the worst pain in the whole entire world. It felt like my brain was splitting in half.
My husband and I knew that there was a chance that the baby would be taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) following delivery due to my high risk pregnancy and possible complications from that. My baby was taken immediately after delivery and my husband went with him while the doctors tried to stabilize him because he was having difficulty breathing. I was so out of it due to the pain in my head I could hardly concentrate on what was happening around me, but I knew something was not right.
I didn't get to see my baby for two whole hours after delivery. I was so worried and had no idea what was going on and no one was telling me anything. I kept telling my nurse that I wanted to see my baby and she kept telling me that I needed to stay in my room until we got word that I could see him. As his mother, this was extremely difficult. All I wanted was to see my baby, to be able to hold him, and to know that everything was okay.
My husband came back to my hospital room and had a worried look on his face. We had so many family members in my room that it was difficult to try to talk to him and I was feeling desperate. I needed to know what was going on. Family stepped out of the room and my husband broke down. He told me that our baby was stable, but that the doctor thought there may be something wrong with him. He told me that the doctor believed our baby had something called Noonan's syndrome, and all that he could equate it to was Down syndrome. My heart broke.
The neonatologist asked my husband and I if we would like to proceed with genetic testing to confirm his diagnosis, we said HELL YES. We had to know. It would take 8 weeks before we finally got the results back.
I was rolled in my hospital bed into the NICU to see my baby, he had an IV, heart-rate monitor, blood pressure monitor, feeding tube, and oxygen mask. I could hardly see him through all the cords. The nurse placed my bed next to the plastic observation case he was laying in and I was able to look at him. He was so little and I just wanted to put him in my arms and run out of that damn hospital that I had spent the past 49 days in. I couldn't do that though. I couldn't leave with my baby.
We spent an additional 9 days in the hospital. My baby was in the NICU and my husband and I were able to stay at Ronald McDonald house so we could spend as much time with our baby as possible. During the NICU stay we also learned that our baby had a hole in his heart. The day we left I had so many mixed emotions. I thought of all the women I had seen leaving the hospital over the past two months, they looked happy, anxious, but happy. I felt tired. Tired and scared.
Home with our new baby
We had the same anxieties that all new parents have. We checked him every 5 minutes through the night to make sure he was still breathing. I called the pediatricians office nurse advice line just about every day with new questions and concerns. When he was 5 weeks old we thought he was infected from his circumcision, but it turned out he had something else. We took him into the pediatricians office, we were thinking we would leave with some antibiotics and that the hard area in his groin would go away. The pediatrician took one look at him and got a concerned look on his face. The doctor told us that our son had a hernia and would need to have surgery. Our baby had surgery later that day.
Sitting in the hospital waiting area while our newborn was being operated on was heartbreaking. I felt like a horrible mother. How could I have not known that something was so wrong? Our baby cried all the time, but we had been told that he had colic. So when our baby continued to cry, I had no idea it was because of his growing hernia. Your mind goes over every possible decision you could have made and every outcome when you are simply sitting and waiting, it was agonizing. When the surgeon finally surfaced I was exhausted. We learned that our baby was out of surgery and in recovery. There had been complications during surgery, but he would be fine given proper care. Three days later we were home.
At 8 weeks old we received the best phone call of our lives. The test results were back and the initial doctors diagnosis of Noonan's Syndrome was negative. Our boy was fine. My husband and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief. I don't think we have stopped exhaling since.
Since then, we have just been learning how to be parents. Our baby has colic and most days we want to pull our hair out. Colic is awful, but we still just can't help but be thankful. Colic has an end, and though we haven't reached it yet, we will reach it someday. We thank god every day for our little boy. This has been the hardest time of our lives, but we are stronger for it. We've learned the depth of our own strength and that prayer and love can keep us going.
The moral of the story? Being pregnant and having a baby wasn't what I thought it would be. BUT the love you feel for your child is enough to get you through some of the hardest times. The road ahead still has so many unknowns, but we are taking it one day at a time.
