Colic

I'm tired.  I'm a new mom.

I have a beautiful 3 month old baby boy.  He has these wonderful moments when he smiles, laughs, holds my finger in his tiny little hands, and just completely melts my heart.  These moments fuel me and keep me going.  But they are just moments, for now anyways.

My baby has colic.  And not just your standard colic.  All day long screaming at the top of your lungs in pain colic.  The kind of colic where if he isn't sleeping or eating, he is probably crying. When he cry's, I cry.  I rock him, shush him, swaddle him, tell him I love him and that it will pass, take him for car rides, bathes, let him lie on the clothes dryer, put on the hair dryer, give him griper water, simethecone drops, probiotic drops, chamomile tea, and as much love as I can muster, but it doesn't help.  I'm helpless, helpless to soothe my baby.  It's a horrible feeling.  The worst feeling in the world, my world, and colic is my world.  Unless I am sleeping, then I am living it.  Colic is a diagnosis for parents, not just baby's, and it is so taxing.  We are three months in, and I pray every day, every hour, that this soon will pass.  Please lord let this pass.

The anger I feel towards new moms with happy baby's is extreme.  Anger, jealousy, remorse that I cannot feel happy for their happiness, sadness, and depression.  These new moms of happy baby's take their babies to the store, to their friends houses, out in public where people can fawn over their tiny little angels.  My friends want to meet my baby, my family wants to meet my baby.  I don't want anyone to meet my baby.  My baby and I have been on lock-down for three months.

I know we will get through this... we have to get through this.  Right now, life is hard, and I pray every morning when my baby wakes up that this will be the day that the colic is over.

My pregnancy, birth, and life after

Pregnancy

I fantasized about being pregnant pretty much from the moment I met my husband.  I was in love with the idea of a growing baby inside of my growing belly.  When I found out that I was pregnant I was over the moon.  I instantly started researching everything I could about pregnancy and childbirth.  I was prepared!  I was going to rock this thing. 

I hired a doula.  I had a birth plan.  I was going to have a calm, family centered, natural childbirth.

That didn't happen.

12 weeks - I found out I had a low lying placenta and was placed on pelvic rest.  I would have to take it easy and watch for any spotting or pelvic pain.

18 weeks - Placenta hadn't moved.  I had to wait to find out if it was going to move, otherwise I would have to have a scheduled c-section

24 weeks - Placenta had moved, but not enough to be deemed "safe", I would have to wait to see if it would move further away from my cervix so I could proceed with a natural delivery.  

30 weeks - Placenta moved!  It was way up out of the way!  I was so excited... for about 2 minutes.  During that 30 week ultrasound I also learned that I had low amniotic fluid.  Scary low.  I was placed on hospital supervised bed rest and remained there until I delivered.

30 - 37 weeks - Hospital supervised bed rest.  In bed all day long, with the exception of shower and bathroom privileges and a short daily walk.  I had weekly ultrasounds to check my fluid level.   By the time I delivered, I had had 15 ultrasounds. 


Delivery 
 
37 weeks - Delivered via scheduled c-section.  Horrible experience.  I had a bad reaction to the spinal and got a spinal headache, it was the worst pain in the whole entire world.  It felt like my brain was splitting in half.  

My husband and I knew that there was a chance that the baby would be taken to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) following delivery due to my high risk pregnancy and possible complications from that.  My baby was taken immediately after delivery and my husband went with him while the doctors tried to stabilize him because he was having difficulty breathing.  I was so out of it due to the pain in my head I could hardly concentrate on what was happening around me, but I knew something was not right. 

I didn't get to see my baby for two whole hours after delivery.  I was so worried and had no idea what was going on and no one was telling me anything.  I kept telling my nurse that I wanted to see my baby and she kept telling me that I needed to stay in my room until we got word that I could see him.  As his mother, this was extremely difficult.  All I wanted was to see my baby, to be able to hold him, and to know that everything was okay. 

My husband came back to my hospital room and had a worried look on his face.  We had so many family members in my room that it was difficult to try to talk to him and I was feeling desperate.  I needed to know what was going on.  Family stepped out of the room and my husband broke down.  He told me that our baby was stable, but that the doctor thought there may be something wrong with him.  He told me that the doctor believed our baby had something called Noonan's syndrome, and all that he could equate it to was Down syndrome.  My heart broke.

The neonatologist asked my husband and I if we would like to proceed with genetic testing to confirm his diagnosis, we said HELL YES.  We had to know.  It would take 8 weeks before we finally got the results back. 

I was rolled in my hospital bed into the NICU to see my baby, he had an IV, heart-rate monitor, blood pressure monitor, feeding tube, and oxygen mask. I could hardly see him through all the cords.   The nurse placed my bed next to the plastic observation case he was laying in and I was able to look at him.  He was so little and I just wanted to put him in my arms and run out of that damn hospital that I had spent the past 49 days in.  I couldn't do that though.  I couldn't leave with my baby. 

We spent an additional 9 days in the hospital.  My baby was in the NICU and my husband and I were able to stay at Ronald McDonald house so we could spend as much time with our baby as possible.  During the NICU stay we also learned that our baby had a hole in his heart.  The day we left I had so many mixed emotions.  I thought of all the women I had seen leaving the hospital over the past two months, they looked happy, anxious, but happy.  I felt tired.  Tired and scared. 

Home with our new baby

We had the same anxieties that all new parents have. We checked him every 5 minutes through the night to make sure he was still breathing.  I called the pediatricians office nurse advice line just about every day with new questions and concerns. When he was 5 weeks old we thought he was infected from his circumcision, but it turned out he had something else. We took him into the pediatricians office, we were thinking we would leave with some antibiotics and that the hard area in his groin would go away.  The pediatrician took one look at him and got a concerned look on his face.  The doctor told us that our son had a hernia and would need to have surgery.  Our baby had surgery later that day. 

Sitting in the hospital waiting area while our newborn was being operated on was heartbreaking.  I felt like a horrible mother.  How could I have not known that something was so wrong?  Our baby cried all the time, but we had been told that he had colic.  So when our baby continued to cry, I had no idea it was because of his growing hernia.  Your mind goes over every possible decision you could have made and every outcome when you are simply sitting and waiting, it was agonizing.  When the surgeon finally surfaced I was exhausted.  We learned that our baby was out of surgery and in recovery.  There had been complications during surgery, but he would be fine given proper care.  Three days later we were home.

At 8 weeks old we received the best phone call of our lives.  The test results were back and the initial doctors diagnosis of Noonan's Syndrome was negative.  Our boy was fine.  My husband and I breathed the biggest sigh of relief.  I don't think we have stopped exhaling since. 

Since then, we have just been learning how to be parents.  Our baby has colic and most days we want to pull our hair out.  Colic is awful, but we still just can't help but be thankful.  Colic has an end, and though we haven't reached it yet, we will reach it someday.  We thank god every day for our little boy.  This has been the hardest time of our lives, but we are stronger for it.  We've learned the depth of our own strength and that prayer and love can keep us going. 

The moral of the story?  Being pregnant and having a baby wasn't what I thought it would be.  BUT the love you feel for your child is enough to get you through some of the hardest times.  The road ahead still has so many unknowns, but we are taking it one day at a time. 

Debt Snowball

I'm feeling like a huge success tonight!  Nicko and I have been working on paying off our debt (basically ever since we met).  A few months before the wedding we decided to get aggressive with our payments and come up with a plan.  The plan is called the "debt snowball".  I'm sure you've probably heard of it before, it consists of tackling your interest deadlines first and then going after your smallest loans. The wild things about the debt snowball is, it actually works!  Five months ago Nick and I were making all of our minimum payments and still broke at the end of the month.  BUT!  As a result of cutting back on a few luxuries (Dutch Bros. coffee, separate cars to work,  etc.) and a head start with $1,000 that we made at our wedding, we have majorly reduced our debt, and in only 5 months! 

This whole thing started when we were listening to a sermon and we heard the pastor say "sometimes you have to live like no one else, so one day you can live like no one else."  This statement was made in reference to the state of the average American family and the debt they carry.  Nick and I have this wild notion of actually being able to raise a family debt free.  It happens people!  I know folks that have done it.  Sure, these people may seem a little "weird" at first glance, BUT is it really so weird to turn down a designer jacket for a non-name brand and be able to afford it, and then put your kids through college as a result?  I don't think so!

The moral of the story is, it pays to be able to say no to the things that you want, so one day you will have all the things that you really need (and guilt free).  After you experience the joys of cutting up your first credit card, you will not want to stop until you have chopped them all.  It's contagious, and in the best way.  The world teaches us that we need more in order to feel adequate or to "keep up with the Jones's", but the truth is exactly the opposite.  The best feeling in the world is to learn to live with less and to be happy with the real things.  Sure, Nick and I still have quite a ways to go before we reach our end goal, but for now we've caught the fever, and we're rolling full steam ahead towards "weirds-ville".  A debt free future is on our horizon! 

Top Green Kitchen Essentials

The indoor recycling station Nick installed in our house

#1 Nix the plastics.  I cannot say it enough.  Many kitchen plastics contain BPA and other cancer causing nasty chemicals that you do not want in your food or your body.  Instead, opt for glass, bamboo,  or stainless.

#2  Go organic.  Better for your health, you, and the environment.  I will take my bananas pesticide free please! Make sure it has the USDA Organic label on it. 

#3  Clean green.  Kitchen cleansers are laden with ingredients that you usually can't pronounce.  Those "un-pronounce-ables" are usually toxic.  Why would you want to put your food on a toxic surface?  Instead, opt for some green cleaners. 

#4 Skip the non-stick coatings. Those chemical coatings that you can't pronounce and are eating are not good for you.  If you don't know what it is OR what it does, chances are you do not want to eat it. 

#5 Join a CSA or grow your own.  CSA = Consumer supported agriculture.  Farmers markets and Saturday markets are always a great place to meet your farmers and learn a a bit more about the local food movement in your community. 

#6 Shop local.  Skip the air/drive time that it took to get your food from Mexico (and who know's what your food has come into contact with!), it limits emissions and your food will taste better! 

#7 Compost & recycle.  This is crucial, and so freaking easy.  Where I live the soil is total crap, but since I have started composting I am able to use that rich soil that is created and really bring my garden to life (without the use of pesticides!).  AND almost everything is recyclable today, if you are not recycling you're a jerk.  So do it already. 

#8  Energy efficiency.  Your refrigerator can be of the biggest energy drains in your house.  Nick and I just bought a new energy star fridge 7 months ago for $500 bucks.  It using far less kWh than your traditional fridge and still has plenty of space.  Also, chances are you have already switched your lights in you home to CFL's, but you can also change the light in your fridge to an LED and maximize your savings. 

#9 Buy in bulk.  You can save lot's of $$$ by buying in bulk and you will reduce the amount of packaging that comes with your traditional purchases.

My first cavity

Tomorrow is going to be a big disappointment of a day!  8 AM tomorrow I will be getting my first cavity filled.  I can't believe it.  I have always been so proud of the fact that I didn't have any cavities.  Dentists have always praised my dental hygiene and I've always left my appointments smiling (mostly because I was excited to get the H out of their office). 
Two weeks ago I went in for my cleaning and films.  Lo and behold I had developed a nasty little cavity on a tooth waaay in the back of my mouth in a place that I don't think my toothbrush can even reach.  And tomorrow I am going to pay for it.
I'm so nervous, I don't think I'm even going to be able to sleep.  I have a bit of a phobia of the dentist.  It's been that way since I was little.  I can remember walking into the dentist and my knees would start to shake while waiting in the reception area.  Even the smell of the dentist office still makes my stomach hurt.
I know that you are never supposed to wish away time, but right now I am just so excited for it to be 5 PM tomorrow and for my dentist appointment and work day to be over. 

Our Story

                   Footage from our rehearsal dinner and wedding. 

BABY FEVER!

photo courtesy: http://www.elizabethtelegaphotography.com/baby.html

I have a bad, and I mean BAD case of baby fever.  What makes it even worse... so does my husband.  This is very unfortunate because we can't have a baby yet.  Financially we are in no position to bring another life into this world and care for it.  Nick and I sat down today and decided that we are going to sell whatever we can in order to get ahead of our debt and to start our family.  Car, engagement ring, nothing is off limits.  We're selling any and every thing of value we own.  Our goal is to be able to start trying to have a baby next year! 

I had my IUD removed on Tuesday.  That was an unpleasant experience to say the very least.  I actually yelped at one point.  Poor Nick held my hand while I cried the whole time.  The good news is that is was all over in less that 10 minutes.  Typical IUD removal are very easy, mine however was slightly different.  My IUD strings had been tucked up in my cervix and had to be retrieved using a dilator and a hook.  All in all, it was worth it.  My IUD served it's purpose while I needed it, and now I am ready to chart my body's natural cycle and prepare for a baby. 

My hope is that by this time next year I'm pregnant!